Masterful Brushoff

Originally posted on May 18th, 2003

I received the following chain letter on a mailing list I belong to. I liked it so much, I wrote the reply that follows. Then a friend posted a reply, and I responded again.


Dear Mastercard, What can I say? We've been through alot together. I remember meeting you when I was only 19. You were sitting there, all discretly in the post, with those gleaming rates peeping out from your foggy envelope window. You were smitten, you told me how responsible I seemed, what a great fit we'd be, and you were willing to go all the way right away. I've never been so caught off guard, and yet so comfortable. And you treated me right. You bought me a nice new bed, and didn't mind if I saw other girls. God, I loved that space. You were so reliable, like a regular booty call. But we both know it was more, so much more. I became dependent on you. And you never let me down. You even bought meals and drinks for my other dates. Steadfastly knowing that I'd be back, usually by the end of the month. I love you MasterCard. You took me to Europe and Mexico. You took me to concerts, and bought me cds and clothes, I didn't even have to ask. Just a glance and you were there. But then you became testy, and then down right obsessed. Your notes, while seemingly charming, were unsettling. I sent my regards whenever I could, but you always wanted more. And you'd throw it back in my face. I couldn't do for you they way you did for me. Rather, you wanted more. And you never let up. Well MasterCard, I want you to know that I wrote you AGAIN today- and this was the last time. We're even now, I don't owe you a thing. And having achieved this balance, I think its best we see other people. You've been great, just not what I need or am looking for at this time. I hope you understand, I'm sure you'll be okay, but you just want too much. I can walk away, now, knowing I did you right. I'll miss you, but there just no good reason to continue. Goodbye, MasterCard. Thanks for understanding.

Your friend,
Brian

Dear Brian, Honey, how can you treat me this way? After all we've been through, you brush me off with a check and a Dear John! Despite everything, I want you to know it was NEVER about the money. (I know I said so. Please forgive me. I was upset.) You ARE the most responsible consumer I've ever known. I understand about being late. I FORGIVE you. Please don't dump me like this! I don't want to put any more pressure on you, but the bank says I'm pregnant. How am I supposed to take care of a litter of little smart as^H^Hcards without those interest payments? Please take me back. Only 9% for the first three months, Darling!

Your Mistress
Mastercard

From the comments section (ljl), Brian responds

Dear Mastercard, No, darling, it's over. I've taken up with Visa, but only as a flirtation with her check card business. When you started flirting and playing with those collectors like RMA, it was over between us.

Brian

And a final(?) response from Mastercard

Dear Brian,

VISA!!? That, that .. BITCH! How could you let yourself be fooled by her come-on?? Brian, she's a cheap, no-good whore. I mean it! She's been in more ATMs than a banker's got points. Besides that, her introductory rates are only good for six weeks! I give you a whole three months, baby! Listen, I can make it last longer if I try hard enough. How does six whole months of, I don't know, 8% sound? Drop that tawdry bit of plastic and come home to ME!

It'll be .. priceless!