A friend asked me where I was going in life. I couldn’t come up with an answer on the spot, and that bugged me.  I'll attempt to answer that question briefly and succinctly. This will necessarily involve where I’ve been and what happened.

I was obsessed with myself and my work. I was isolated by choice. I was oblivious to others, regretful of the past and neglectful of my health. These choices eventually led me to the gates of insanity and death. I was committed on a 5150 for suicidal depression. 2 weeks later I had a major heart attack. I was down and stayed there for 3 years. Then my fear of death, which was all I could think of, was relieved by a power greater than myself.  I turned the corner spiritually, emotionally and physically. I feel I’m back on a spiritual path.

So I’m open to God’s will. Where do I feel that is leading me? I seem to attract people with addictions and mental health problems. My experience allows me to be helpful. I get huge satisfaction from this  I’m being taught to get out of my own way. I’ve been exploring my creative side, with music and visual design. What’s going on here? All those enthusiasms seem to add up to carrying a message. I think I have something to say, and I’m being given the opportunity to say it. 

What do I have to say? 

Today matters. The past and future are imaginary. Forgiveness is freedom. Spiritual growth is about spiritual experience. Words get you part way there, but words are not the experience. Meditation involves silencing the articulate mind.   Logic and analysis, separation and ego must be stilled in order to experience wholeness and connection. That consciousness lives in me. God is in me, and in everything else. 

But I struggle with faith. I get pissed off at God and slam the door of consciousness shut. When I do that I’m in grave danger. Anger at God will drive me right into a pit of despair and self-pity. If I revel in logical/philosophical objections to God, that's where I'll go. That will kill me quick. This is not a theoretical proposition. I have to find my way back as soon as possible. So I have a practical argument in favor of God consciousness. I can sometimes help people who, like me, have intellectual resistance to that sort of thing.